Be the Person You Are Looking For

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By Wael Abdelgawad |

When seeking a marriage partner, or even if you’re already in a relationship, be the kind of person you want to be with. If you want someone who puts Allah first, then put Allah first! If you’re looking for someone kind and open hearted, then be kind and open hearted. If you want someone athletic and slim who loves sports and the outdoors, then be athletic and spend time outdoors. If you want someone who is calm and trustworthy, then express those traits in your own life.

If you want someone who is absolutely honest, then be absolutely honest!

For those who are already married and wish their partners were different in some way, realize that you cannot change anyone else. The impetus to change has to come from them. What you can do is set an example. Walk the path yourself, and hold out your hand, and maybe your partner will follow. Just make sure you do it with love, not with judgment. I’m sure you’ve noticed that if you’re close to someone who is dedicated to something, you get interested in it too, sometimes without even meaning to. If you have a friend who loves to play ping pong, you’ll end up playing ping pong with them sooner or later. This happens in marriages too. Show your love for Quran, or salat, or healthy food, or fitness, and it will rub off on your partner.

For those who are seeking a partner, spend less time looking outward, and more time filling your own heart with love and joy.

Don’t imagine that you can be irreligious, selfish and sedentary, and yet attract someone who is pious, generous, and fit. And if you are miserable, you’re not going to attract someone happy who will complete you and fill your life with joy. I’m sorry to break it to you, but it doesn’t work that way. If you are depressed and emotionally unhealthy, you are going to attract one of two types:

1. Someone who is also unhappy and unhealthy in ways that build on your misery like pieces of a sick puzzle. These kinds of matches are destructive, and lead to silent, non-communicative marriages; or infidelity and/or divorce.

2. A predator who may be stronger than you but is still unhealthy, and will prey on your unhappiness and weakness, using you up the way an olive press squeezes oil from the fruit.

Become a Diamond Among the Stones

If you are unhappy, then transform yourself first. Work on your spirit, mind, and body. Get involved in the world, exercise, study, strengthen your imaan, develop some hobbies, make friends. Pursue your goals and dreams.

Please understand, I’m not saying that you should develop these qualities just to attract a partner. No, do it for God and for yourself, so that you can grow as a human being. Be active in your ‘ibadah (worship), be humble and sincere. Do it for your own soul, and your heart.

If you do this, then you will find that good people will be automatically attracted to you. Like attracts like. If you are joyful, confident and sweet, you will appeal to someone similiar. Of course you might also attract lying, cheating bozos – the world is riddled with them – but you’ll be able to see through their lies and kick them to the curb.

Look, you don’t have to be perfect. Out of all the qualities I’ve mentioned, the most important is sincerity. It’s okay if you’ve got flaws. I sure do! I can make my daughter Salma a peanut butter sandwich (she likes it with honey) or scrambled eggs, and I can open a tin of green beans, but beyond that I couldn’t cook my way out of a tissue box. I weigh more than I should (my knees remind me of it daily), and I’m a klutz with mechanical repairs. Some of these things I’m working on, and others I’m not too concerned about, but I’m always struggling to improve myself in some way, every day. The crucial thing is, I’m sincere. I don’t pretend to be someone I’m not, and if I find that my words don’t match my deeds, then I try to reform my deeds, or I moderate my speech.

Be sincere. Be honest. Live the life you aspire to. Be the ideal you that you see in your mind. You will become a joy magnet, and the ideal person who is fated for you will find you even in a crowd, like a diamond among the stones.

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Article by Wael

Wael Abdelgawad is an Egyptian-American living in Fresno, California. He is the founder of several Islamic websites, including and, and also of various technology and travel websites. He is a writer and poet, and has been a web developer since 1997. This project,, is very dear to his heart, as it has allowed him to express ideas that have growing inside him for many years. Wael is divorced and has one lovely young daughter. He practices and teaches martial arts (somewhat obsessively), and loves Islamic books, science fiction, and vanilla fudge ice cream. Wael is an advocate for human rights and blogs about these issues at He is also a volunteer with the MyDeen Muslim youth organization in Fresno. Wael tagged this post with: , , , , Read 266 articles by
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