If You Have an Abusive Parent, Learn to Value Yourself

Colusa County valley, California

Valley in Colusa County, California

By Wael Abdelgawad | IslamicSunrays.com

It would be nice if we all had loving and supportive parents. Some do, Alhamdulillah. To have kind, caring parents is a great gift.

But some have parents who are critical, demeaning and harsh. Do you have an abusive parent who tells you that you are worthless, stupid and good for nothing? If so, you can’t spend your life waiting and hoping for that parent to love you and be proud of you. It’s not going to happen, my friend. Most likely your parent was raised harshly himself/herself and doesn’t know how to act any other way. Accept that reality and learn to value yourself, no matter what anyone says.

You will have to be strong and independent in spirit. You will have to find validation of your worth within yourself. You do have worth, after all. You are as unique and beautiful as the sun and the moon, the sea and the stars. You are special and gifted and you will need to realize that on your own, even in the face of external abuse.

Seek your support from Allah.

“And We have certainly honored the children of Adam and carried them on the land and sea and provided for them of the good things and preferred them over much of what We have created…” – Quran, 17:70.

Allah has honored you. Dignity is your birthright. It’s okay if you’re not perfect. No one is. You can still love yourself, with all your special gifts and funny habits, and whatever is lacking, well, you can work on it. That’s what all of us do.

“I Know Who I Am”

It can be very hard to resist the negative labels that parents put on us. Nothing wounds like an insult from a parent. Their words have a way of worming into our brains even when we know better.

We must be patient with them without buying into their negativity.

This is not to say that parental abuse is acceptable. Not at all. Respect goes both ways. Parents have a duty to raise their children with kindness and love. If your parents are physically abusing you, then that’s a situation that you should try to get out of. Separate yourself from them if possible. Be safe, and know that they too will face God one day in judgment, and will be called to account for their deeds.

This article is focused more on the issue of verbal abuse. The truth is that even if you are accomplished, well behaved, and devoted, some parents will continue to abuse you verbally. Even if you have moved out, married and have children of your own, and only see your parents occasionally, they might continue to find fault with everything you do, and generally devalue you. I’m not saying it’s okay. I’m saying it’s an unfortunate reality with some parents, and you cannot allow it to define you.

Write some positive affirmations about yourself. Affirmations are true statements that express your best qualities, and also express what kind of person you strive to be. They represent the ideal you.

I personally have a list of 29 affirmations, and here’s number 12 on my list:

“12. I am a good son to my parents. I am patient and loving with them. When speaking to them I maintain a positive, independent and calm spirit, knowing who I am and confident in my choices.”

Read your affirmations every day. Even if you don’t quite believe your own affirmations at times, even if you feel inwardly skeptical, keep reading them. When you speak to your parents, breathe deeply and slowly. Don’t let anything they say make you anxious or excited. Tell yourself silently, “I know who I am.”

Allah loves you and has a plan for you. Believe this and move forward, and when you have children, shut down the cycle of negativity and do better than your parents did. It’s okay to be better than your parents. Any good parent wants their children to surpass them.

Show your own children patience, gentleness and endless love.

May Allah bless you and fill your heart with self-knowledge, self-dignity, and hope for the future.

No one else can define your reality

Natural stone bridge

By Wael Abdelgawad for IslamicSunrays.com

“Someone’s opinion of you does not have to become your reality.”

– Les Brown, author and motivational speaker.

Don’t blindly accept other people’s negative judgments of you. Reject their pessimism. Be strong, know yourself, and know that no one else can define you. Other people’s insults may hurt, but they don’t define you. Some people love to say “no”, to tell you what you cannot do, to tell you why your dreams are impossible or impractical, to tell you what a fool you are, to tell you not to bother trying. Such people claim to be pragmatists and realists.

In reality, such people are poison. It is their opinions that are not based in reality. It’s their opinions that are founded in cowardice and cynicism. Their opinions are inherently self-limiting. They have locked themselves into prisons of the mind. They have taken the ships of their dreams and smashed holes in the hulls before ever setting sail. Because they have given up on their dreams, they want you to do the same.

Either that, or they look at you and they see a bundle of preconceptions. They see a stereotyped image created in their own minds, someone who to them is the “wrong” race, or the “wrong” religion, or has the “wrong” qualifications, and based on that they will try to tell you what’s “wrong” with you, and to set roadblocks in your path.

Don’t let them define you. Don’t let them tell you who you are, or what you can or cannot do.

Mistakes and Appearances Do Not Define You

You are much more than just the sum of the mistakes you’ve made. Your past mistakes are not brands of shame, but teachers, stimuli to change and do better.

You also cannot be judged by the superficial circumstances of your life: your nationality, race, age, the language you speak, your favorite foods or colors, your birth date, your height or weight, whether your lips are narrow or full, whether your hair is lustrous or thin, whether you have six-pack abs or love handles. These things do not define you.

For you pop culture fans out there, there’s a scene in The Matrix where Neo is riding in a car, gazing out at the city, at all the places he used to know. He says, “I used to eat there. Really good noodles. I have these memories from my life. None of them happened. What does that mean?” And Trinity replies, “That the matrix cannot tell you who you are.”

Free Your Soul

So what truly defines you? Two things: your beliefs, and your character. What you believe, and how those beliefs manifest in the way you act in the world, the way you respect yourself, the way you maintain your integrity no matter what, the compassion and love that you show to those less fortunate, your courage, your talents, your beautiful dreams. Your faith and modesty, sincerity, friendliness, work ethic, hospitality, willingness to forgive.

These are the things that truly define a human being. No one can dictate them to you, no one can give them or take them away. Only Allah can guide you, and only you can choose what to do with that guidance.

Abu Malik Al-Harith bin Asim Al-Ashari said that the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said:

“Purity is half of faith. Alhamdu-lillah [Praise be to Allah] fills the scales, and Subhana-Allah [How far is Allah from every imperfection] and Alhamdu-lillah [Praise be to Allah] fill that which is between heaven and earth. Prayer is light; charity is a proof; patience is illumination; and the Quran is an argument for or against you. Everyone starts his day and is a vendor of his soul, either freeing it or bringing about its ruin.”

You are the vendor of your own soul. You set your soul free, so that your spirit rises like the sun; or you ruin it, debasing yourself. You shape your own character. You define yourself. No one else can tell you who you are. No one else has the right.

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