If You Have an Abusive Parent, Learn to Value Yourself

Colusa County valley, California

Valley in Colusa County, California

By Wael Abdelgawad | IslamicSunrays.com

It would be nice if we all had loving and supportive parents. Some do, Alhamdulillah. To have kind, caring parents is a great gift.

But some have parents who are critical, demeaning and harsh. Do you have an abusive parent who tells you that you are worthless, stupid and good for nothing? If so, you can’t spend your life waiting and hoping for that parent to love you and be proud of you. It’s not going to happen, my friend. Most likely your parent was raised harshly himself/herself and doesn’t know how to act any other way. Accept that reality and learn to value yourself, no matter what anyone says.

You will have to be strong and independent in spirit. You will have to find validation of your worth within yourself. You do have worth, after all. You are as unique and beautiful as the sun and the moon, the sea and the stars. You are special and gifted and you will need to realize that on your own, even in the face of external abuse.

Seek your support from Allah.

“And We have certainly honored the children of Adam and carried them on the land and sea and provided for them of the good things and preferred them over much of what We have created…” – Quran, 17:70.

Allah has honored you. Dignity is your birthright. It’s okay if you’re not perfect. No one is. You can still love yourself, with all your special gifts and funny habits, and whatever is lacking, well, you can work on it. That’s what all of us do.

“I Know Who I Am”

It can be very hard to resist the negative labels that parents put on us. Nothing wounds like an insult from a parent. Their words have a way of worming into our brains even when we know better.

We must be patient with them without buying into their negativity.

This is not to say that parental abuse is acceptable. Not at all. Respect goes both ways. Parents have a duty to raise their children with kindness and love. If your parents are physically abusing you, then that’s a situation that you should try to get out of. Separate yourself from them if possible. Be safe, and know that they too will face God one day in judgment, and will be called to account for their deeds.

This article is focused more on the issue of verbal abuse. The truth is that even if you are accomplished, well behaved, and devoted, some parents will continue to abuse you verbally. Even if you have moved out, married and have children of your own, and only see your parents occasionally, they might continue to find fault with everything you do, and generally devalue you. I’m not saying it’s okay. I’m saying it’s an unfortunate reality with some parents, and you cannot allow it to define you.

Write some positive affirmations about yourself. Affirmations are true statements that express your best qualities, and also express what kind of person you strive to be. They represent the ideal you.

I personally have a list of 29 affirmations, and here’s number 12 on my list:

“12. I am a good son to my parents. I am patient and loving with them. When speaking to them I maintain a positive, independent and calm spirit, knowing who I am and confident in my choices.”

Read your affirmations every day. Even if you don’t quite believe your own affirmations at times, even if you feel inwardly skeptical, keep reading them. When you speak to your parents, breathe deeply and slowly. Don’t let anything they say make you anxious or excited. Tell yourself silently, “I know who I am.”

Allah loves you and has a plan for you. Believe this and move forward, and when you have children, shut down the cycle of negativity and do better than your parents did. It’s okay to be better than your parents. Any good parent wants their children to surpass them.

Show your own children patience, gentleness and endless love.

May Allah bless you and fill your heart with self-knowledge, self-dignity, and hope for the future.

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Article by Wael

Wael Abdelgawad is an Egyptian-American living in Fresno, California. He is the founder of several Islamic websites, including Zawaj.com and IslamicAnswers.com, and also of various technology and travel websites. He is a writer and poet, and has been a web developer since 1997. This project, IslamicSunrays.com, is very dear to his heart, as it has allowed him to express ideas that have growing inside him for many years. Wael is divorced and has one lovely young daughter. He practices and teaches martial arts (somewhat obsessively), and loves Islamic books, science fiction, and vanilla fudge ice cream. Wael is an advocate for human rights and blogs about these issues at AbolishTorture.com. He is also a volunteer with the MyDeen Muslim youth organization in Fresno. Wael tagged this post with: , , , , Read 259 articles by
106 Comments Post a Comment
  1. fawzia says:

    reading yr article remind me of my parent … they are such a lovely and loving parent ..

    still remember the day when my dad combs my hair while my mum tie my shoes lace .. how sweet both of them .. even though sometimes my dad a bit “strict” … yeah I understand he is an army officer, so he raised us just like his soldier ..

    now they are gone, leaving me … truly I missed them ..

    now as a single mum … I raised my kids just like my parent did .. it’s not easy … but Alhamdulilah my kids are so cooperative with me ..

    being a parent we need to have huge knowledge … almost in everything
    handle them with love and understanding ..
    treat them like yr best friends … shared with them almost anything .. that’s what I did with my kids ….

    in return …. insyallah they will love you …

  2. DMP says:

    nice post… I know way too many people who have had very abusive parents and many of them think they are worthless and unworthy of being loved. It’s really sad.

  3. friend says:

    salam to all,

    abusive parents, only those who have one , knows how painful it is , it has effects on you right till the end. either the end of you or the end of them.

    you keep hoping they will love you at some point , but it just doesnt happen. you keep thinking , why am i hated so much. what can i do to please them, you even start thinking if only i was a little pretty or a little stronger or a little more intelligent , may be they would have loved me more, although you are a product of them!

    it takes a lot to get out of viscous circle, and to be honest you never get out of it , as it is ingrained in your personality. it effects your future relationships as well, as you constantly live with this impression of a man or a woman that you had seen at home. you have learned certain traits from them. you have learned that harshness from them.

    you learn unconsciously that either you have to behave so well so as to not give the other person a chance to complain or there must be some deficiency in you that you are hated so much. you end up taking neglect from parents so much that you forget that you had a right to be loved as well. a lot of domestic voilence stems from there , submission to abuse!!!. and if one gets a chance to opress someone else , they sure dont miss that. and hence the perpetual behaviour starts.

    you learn to be this extremely scared and not loved person inside with poor self esteem to this loving, jolly person outside and somewhat trying to seek the love you deserved at home from the outside world.

    the teenage years can be hard, vey hard ! when you are becoming that young angry man/woman , when love and tenderness is required more than ever. who ever speaks a kind word to you seems like the wellwisher and you become that vulnerable creature that anyone can take advantage of you. and when love is presented by the opposite sex you feed on it as if you have been hungry for ages. and when that love does not last it tears you apart leaving all the wounds exposed again right till the age of 5 or even even 3.

    you learn through years that when you love or expect love you are greeted with hatred , slaps, beating, being spitted on, kicked, humiliated, poked in the eyes, throttled etc. a kid learns this fast !!!

    when you have no one to turn to , you start to learn at a very young age to turn to Allah. and two things can happen , you learn either Allah is with you or you stop believing in Him. blessed are those who hang on to Allah. its only through Allah’s mercy that you can start believing that you ARE worth loving , you ARE valuable, you ARE wanted. when you read quran and sunnah , you then learn how to act and react to your feelings and that no matter what you do, Allah still loves you and the moment you turn to Him , He embrasses you with love. once you start feeling His love for you , life starts to change for better. you stop passing on the hatred you received, you start forgiving, first yourself, then everyone who hurt you, you start throwing away this enormous burden of pain you have been carrying for ages and ages, you then realise no wonder it was slowing you down! .you start to taste what love means, when you start giving it to others, and above all you start loving yourself.you start respecting yourself, you start realising that you were not created without the need to be here. you learn that spreading negativity will only multiply your own negativity and start expecting the reward and response from the one for whom you did the good deed for …..Allah.

    healing is a long journey, and it never is complete, but it can be enough to carry on in life with self respect and knowing there is someone who will always love you….. Allah.

    • shooki says:

      wow…MASHALLAH…this is really beautiful…and i felt the same always..but could never express it..and now u did
      JAZAK ALLAH KHAIR…

    • Amira says:

      Waalaikumsalaam! OMG you said exactly my life!!! I am truley amazed. as I sit here crying my eyes out after fighting with my dad. I will never feel better unless Im in heaven or have someone to hold me, but although Allah hasnt given me relief yet, inshaAllah yet. Remembering Allah is the only reason im still alive.

      • imran says:

        same here Amira…..I was crying after fighting

        • Ahmedsid says:

          I have very orthodox conservative radical parents who verbally abuse me so much. My mom rules the house and want everything according to her. She overrides my needs and feelings. She lacks emotional feeling and never encouraged me for anything. I just cried and had an argument. I feel like ending my life as i can clearly see my parents are going to ruin my life.

          • ZB says:

            Dear Ahmedsid, I am making dua for you. May Allah SWT ease the pain you are in and send to you succour.
            Please do find someone to talk to about all this, a helpline for children or for people suffering suicidal thoughts. You can google these.
            It makes a huge difference being able to share how you are feeling and what you are thinking.
            You are not alone, Allah SWT is with you, turn to Him and ask Him to guide you to who can help you and to give you strength. It is OK to share your thoughts and feelings, it’s better than keeping them all inside. Your parents can affect your life, but they will not ruin it, because you will grow up and live your own life eventually, make your own choices eventually. I am making dua for you my dear brother,

    • Tasneem says:

      Barak Allah feek….an amazing article, which describes my journey precisely!! It brought me to tears, because I can relate to everything in it….masha Allah, I am so grateful to Allah swt for inspiring you to write such a positive article, may Allah swt bless you and your family and grant you Jannat al-Firdaws….Earlier in my life, I used to feel sorry for myself all the time, and I kept asking myself: why is it that whatever I do, it just doesn’t seem to be appreciated? and I kept doing more and more as a consequence, in the hope that my parent will eventually appreciate it and respect me in return. But that hope was never fulfilled. I never felt respected. So new questions arose: should I stop doing it because it is of no use? but I can’t stop, because I have spent all my life serving my parents, I can’t just stop? it would feel strange, and I would be empty? but is the alternative to keep serving my parent without being appreciated?? and that dilemma haunted me for years and years…until Allah swt, by his infinite Mercy,guided me, and, as a consequence, everything became clear. Subhan Allah, this hardship allowed me to witness one of the meanings of Allah’s attribute: Ar-Rabb (The One who nurtures the entire creation). I was able to experience the special type of nurturing (tarbiyyah) by Allah swt, as explained by the scholar As-Sa’dee Rahimahullah ” This is a special type of nurturing that Allah gives to His devote servants by giving them Emaan, by beautifying Emaan in their hearts and making it beloved in their hearts, by giving them [Tawfeeq] divine assistance so they can do these good deeds by protecting them from their desires and doubts, safeguarding them from all evil.”
      During the hardship, I experientially came to know the true meaning of being nurtured by Allah swt, i.e. being educated, trained, and encouraged to grow and develop by Allah swt. By submitting myself to Allah swt and being closer to Him, He made my Emaan grow stronger; I no longer felt sorry for myself. Instead, I started to believe that this hardship must be of benefit to me, and consequently, I realised that, had I not been exposed to this hardship, I would not have been able to develop qualities that strengthen our Emaan in Allah swt, such as patience and loving those who hurt us. I also learned that only by turning completely to Allah swt, and asking Him for His support, can we succeed in attaining the positive qualities, and eliminating all the destructive thoughts of the nafs from within us that make us feel sorry for ourselves and consequently doubt our efforts towards our parents, both of which veil us from the guidance of Allah swt. Only now do I realise that having a difficult parent is in fact a blessing, and in this life-long journey of healing, all I can do is continue to strive to be patient, ask Allah swt to grant me contentment, and place my entire trust on Allah swt, knowing that “He has perfect power to control all affairs with perfect wisdom, for He is the Best Disposer of Affairs” (Sharh Asmaa’ Allaah ta’aala al-Husnaa by Dr. Hissah al-Sagheer)

    • Kareem says:

      Your words brings tears to my eyes, they touch me deep inside and make me realize that indeed my love for Allah and my faith in knowing he loves me back, its the only thing that keeps me going in this life, and encourage me to be forever good to my parents, despite their extreme abusive negative attitude always hitting me and cursing me and saying Im a loser, despite my sucess in many fields of life they are simply not aware of, i stopped yearning for their love and turned to Allah, and How much it warms my heart with love and goodness when i pray or think of him or our kind prophet Mohammad , Aleh el salat wel salam…

    • muslimah says:

      JazakAllah Khayr Friend .. I am happy alhamdulillah that there are people who understand the pain of having abusive parents .. Scholars only talk about Paradise under mother’s feet … I am 20 years old , practicing muslimah . Allah conscious . but have a mother who curses abuses beats me up for NO REASONS …. half the time I am beaten because I want to set relationships right in my family and she loves doing gheebah , playing family politics , creating enmity within the family …. how can paradise be underneath feet of such women ! Allahu alam … ! I have a precious religious aunty [mom’s sister] who loves me more than my mother and I love being in her company because I am at peace ! she treats her children like gifts from Allah [swt] . My mother can’t stand it when I speak to her sister . We talk nothing except Quran or Hadith ! My mother yells at her ” don’t try to control my children ” …. Don’t assume that I have done anything wrong to her .. And alhamdulillah she too has islamic knowledge … but she has a very bad tongue … to family members she is rude .. to outsiders she is a jewel … her abuses are extremely hard to take … I hate her at heart … I can’t help it … I remain silent … I can never accept her … Allah Has Created her and me and put us in this relationship , I Have many answers for Him if He asks me on Day of judgment but I don’t know if that will be accepted or not … Make dua’a ..

    • anne says:

      Thank you. Your words sum up everything I feel.

      • hussein says:

        I hear you Anne & thank you. However, why do advocates of Islam keep shying away from this issue!!!! Have courage you morons it will not bring Islam into disrepute. All parents need to be taught that they are not always in the right. This is huge and it needs debate. Those evil dwellers need to come out from under the cloak of Islam……….. Degenerates.

    • Mona says:

      I can’t express in words how it makes me feel to hear my story from another person. I struggled all my life trying to explain I’m not a villain. I failed and failed because no one believed that there is any such things called having “abusive” parents. I had to loose a lot to be a good daughter but nothing was enough! Now I know I’m not the only one. And that itself is a lot of comfort. May Allah bless.

    • sad_daughter says:

      I love what you wrote but on the day of judgment I will ask both my parents, why did they do it to us (me, my sister and brother.)
      I am waiting for the day to be able to tell Allah, look what did they do.

      They never agreed on anything their entire life except that they have the worst kids. I am waiting to ask God why did they bring us in this world.

      They humiliated us, tortured us, cursed us, degraded us and told everybody that they have been sacrificing for us.
      They did not let us marry and when I got married they wanted me to divorce. I am waiting for the day of judgement. I am…

    • SighMa says:

      Wa’salam. Thank you for expressing what, I guess, others along with me are going through. Somehow, I feel ‘understood’ as if someone peeked inside my heart. A little bit of ease knowing this. JazakAllah.

    • Yasmin says:

      Wow. You have expressed the thoughts of so many unexpressed souls. Thank you!

      “the teenage years can be hard, vey hard ! when you are becoming that young angry man/woman , when love and tenderness is required more than ever. who ever speaks a kind word to you seems like the wellwisher and you become that vulnerable creature that anyone can take advantage of you. and when love is presented by the opposite sex you feed on it as if you have been hungry for ages. and when that love does not last it tears you apart leaving all the wounds exposed again”

  4. Sana says:

    I just got off skype after yet another round of hearing abusive words from my father. I am abroad and away from home now, studying in a world class university. But all my life my father has called me foolish, said some incredibly hurtful words like how I am good for nothing, etc. I ended up having an extremely low self esteem, but in all these trials, I never lost my faith in Allah (SWT) and I remember him almost every moment of my life. The consciousness of his presence gives me peace, but there are days like today when my father’s words get under my skin and all I do is cry for hours, wondering if I will ever be able to please him. On several occasions I have tried to explain him how much his words hurt me. In the process of all these interactions, I have become a woman who is intensely guilty for Everything in the world, and always blame myself if anything goes wrong. Consequently I have also managed to attract some very self centered people in the process, which in the past used to make me feel even more de-valued. It is only very recently that I have started realizing the awful repercussions of my low self esteem. But in that too I see Allah’s hand (SWT) to guide me and make me realize that only I can make myself feel worthy and learn how to draw boundaries with certain people and not let their words effect me. Wael, I especially like your website and visit it at least twice a day, because I sincerely appreciate the humanity of your words and their genuineness. Thank you for sharing these posts. Before I used to feel guilty even for feeling hurt by my father! Now I recognize my pain, but also know that Allah (SWT) is guiding me to be a stronger and independent person in the true sense of the word. Allah O’ Akbar!

  5. Sana says:

    Also. can you please suggest ways to not let your parent’s harsh words get you in the moment of interacting with them? I dropped a pen I was holding and he called me a ‘dumb donkey’ for that….when I pointed out that he is being too harsh, he said I am over-sensitive. I really love my father and he has done A Lot for me, but sometimes I am caught in these two conflicting worlds where one part of me just never wants to even chat with him again and another part of me is filled with gratitude…and guilt that perhaps I am the one who is not a good daughter 🙁

    • Wael says:

      Dear Sana, As-salamu alaykum,

      I’m glad the website has benefited you, Alhamdulillah. If you have a Facebook profile, please “like” my FB page as well:

      https://www.facebook.com/IslamicSunrays

      It can be very hard to resist the negative labels that parents put on us. Their words have a way of worming into our brains even when we know better.

      I suggest that you write some positive affirmations about yourself. This would be a list of true statements that express your best qualities, and also represent what kind of person you strive to be.

      Read your affirmations every day. When you speak to your parents, keep breathing deeply and slowly. Don’t let anything your father says make you anxious or excited. Tell yourself silently, “I know who I am.”

      I personally have a list of 29 affirmations, and here’s number 12 on my list:

      “12. I am a good son to my parents. I am patient and loving with them. When speaking to them I maintain a positive, independent and calm spirit, knowing who I am and confident in my choices.”

      Also, I know you’re not suicidal, but see part 4 of my article on suicide, as the advice may be relevant Insha’Allah:

      http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/suicide-in-islam/

      Sana, you are clearly not a “dumb donkey”. It’s obvious that you are highly intelligent, and a woman of faith. You must reject all these false, negative labels completely, and develop your own positive self-image.

  6. Sana says:

    Thank you for your swift response Wael. I really appreciate it. I just wish I could somehow get rid of this constant guilt, because just sharing this pain sometimes makes me wonder if I am being ungrateful. Like I said before, my father has done a lot for me. But yes, sometimes his words are too cruel for me to digest. Thank you once again for sharing your tips and insights. I hope Allah (SWT) forgives me for my many sins, and rewards me with his blessings to help me be the person I am capable of becoming. Like you very wisely point out in many of your articles – we all have a purpose. I hope I am able to achieve that path without hurting anyone or getting hurt myself. Amin.

  7. shameera says:

    Wael.brother you have yet it so well written..
    Its vy difficult to have abusive parents..becoz as sana said you are
    often torn between the guilt of being angry at them for their harsh
    words and the gratefullness to them for whatever good they have
    done for d children..and it stays on forver those words of
    insensitivity..i know and have seen families just shattered
    by this type of behaviour.from.parents..i pray whoevrr reads
    this article is able to.understand and make reforms to build
    healthy relationships within the family…
    Mashallah brother wael..i.really appreciate ur words.and ameen for u sana

  8. Malou says:

    jazak Allah khair, thank you for this wonderful article and for the advice, I really needed to read this now

    salam

  9. Nadia says:

    Mashallah brother very nice article, I have a 1year old daughter when I take care of her I recall my childhood like our parents also did takecare like this even still now sometimes when I feel sad or had a fight with my husband I sit in my garden looking at sky and think I wish I could hug my father 🙂 (my father still alive just very old and not well and live overseas)

  10. Kauthar says:

    Jazak Allah Khair for your article. A problem I’ve certainly been suffering with for a long-time. Your parent has done so much to you, but at the same time is harsh on you. If you respond negatively to harshness, you feel guilty because of the gratitude you feel towards them. I identify with Sana a lot. I’m so happy that I got to share my thoughts with people who have experienced the same problem. It’s a topic that isn’t discussed that often. The positive affirmations list is a new idea to me, and I’m looking forward to trying it!! my only problem is that i’ll find it difficult to believe what I say about myself, because low self-esteem does make us doubt ourselves most of the time, but I will ask Allah swt for support, and start writing my list up!!

    • Wael says:

      Kauthar, yes in the beginning you may be skeptical of your own affirmations. But that’s okay, just stick with it, keep reading them. Eventually they will change your thinking. Basically you are reprogramming yourself with a new, positive way of thinking.

      • Kauthar says:

        Thank you for your encouragement. I’ve been trying to do that since I read the article, and it’s giving me hope of a better relationship with my parent insha’ Allah. At the same time, when my parent says things which seem offending, unkind, or even irrational at some times, I try to suppress the judgemental thoughts towards my parent that go on inside me whilst we’re conversing, even if my nafs keeps telling me that my judgements are legitimate. I feel that when I judge, I kind of nullify many of the positive affirmations that I made. I must say that it requires a lot of struggle against the nafs.

  11. yaseen ahmed says:

    Website like this are the very crux of the problem of Abusive Muslim Parents.
    My Muslims parents always quoted the Quraan, Hadeeth, etc. to justify their bloody abuse. Even the bloody imams in the mosques always made me swallow Jannah lies in my bloody abusive mom’s feet.
    Bottom line MUSLIMS AND MUSLIM IMAM’S CONDONE PARENTAL ABUSE.
    Even in this website you seldom criticize the abusive parents.
    I got some questions for you.
    1. Will my mom go to hell for abusing me, scolding me, hitting me, strangulating me, etc??? huh i guess not, but i go to hell for complaining isn’t it????

    THE IMAMS AND ALL THE SO CALLED MUSLIM LEADERS MUST BEGIN ADDRESSING THIS ISSUE BECAUSE OUR BLOODY PARENTS ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF THE IMMUNITY GRANTED TO THEM BY ISLAM.

    • Wael says:

      Yaseen, I’m sorry to hear about how you were treated by your mother. I can’t say who will go to Hell or not. But certainly abuse of children is a sin, and people will be punished for it by Allah SWT. Islam absolutely does not condone abuse. The Prophet Muhammad (sws) taught people to be gentle and kind with their children. He himself was the most gentle of men, and he was our example. Insha’Allah I’ll write an article about this.

      It’s unfortunate that it has become common in our cultures these days to be hard on children. That’s not a problem limited to Muslims only. You see the same thing among Hindus, Arab Christians, etc. It is a cultural problem.

      Lastly, I want to say that if the way your parents treated you has driven you away from Islam, then that’s a tragedy. Everyone is responsible for themselves before Allah. Your mother will be held to account for abusing you. But you will also be held to account for your faith and actions.

      The whole point of my article was not to condone abuse of children. It was to say, if you have been abused by your parents, try not to let that define you or destroy you.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • None of your Business says:

        I agree totally with Yaseen Ahmed.

        Here everyone critisizes the VICTIM like “don’t runaway from home” or whatever. I though that VICTIM CAN DO NO WRONG. THEY ARE ON THE DEFENSE. SELF-PRESERVATION! WHY THE BLOODY HELL SHOULD WE FEEL A SHRED OF GUILT AT ALL.

        And for what, for defending ourselves?

        For complaining?

        For asking for better treatment?

        “OH I am abused, and I feel SO GUILTY
        because I meekly fought back” COME
        ON!

        Yes these parent’s treatment of me caused me to get out of Islam. It was the most liberating thing I have ever done (back then, but now I have come back, al Hamdu li Lah, ON MY TERMS NOT THEIR’S and THAT is the most liberating thing I have ever done to date). nO more do those people quote sh*it to me telling ME how to respond to their abuse?!!? I mean what a NERRRRVE. Oh and I am at a point now that I am learning to actually say no. No. NO!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oooh what a sinner I am

        To “disobey” my parent’s insistence that I bend over so I could take it. OOH YOU GUYS WHAT DO I DO. OHH UMMAH IS IT HARAM FOR ME TO DISOBEY THEM?

        I FEEL SO GUILTY SAYING NOO

        I FELL SO GUILTING NOT GIVING UP MY SOUL AND HEART AND MIND AND BODY TO ABUSE TO MY HOOOOONNORABLE PARENTS, WHO HAVE DONE “SO MUCH FOR ME”

        PEOPLE GET SOME THERAPY! MAYBE EVEN A BACKBONE!!!!!!

        • Anonymous says:

          I agree completely. It is always so easy to say: “oh well, we have horrible nasty parents, but lets still find a way to love them”. Are you serious? Do you have ANY idea what its like to be emotionally abused at the age of 27 and be FORCED to live at home and take care of ALL the financial responsibilities??? You cant even save for your own future, and the parents reasoning is this: “Muslims are supposed to take care of their parents”. Wow. So please, I am muslim, and to tell you the truth, it is my mother, not the west, not movies, not “Hollywood”, none of those, but my MOTHER who made me doubt my religion. I dont speak arabic, i do read it, but nowhere in the quran do i see what happens to parents who do this to their children??? I do find stuff on what happens to children who dont respect their parents. But deep down, i dont believe that Allah doesnt see all this. I know he sees the pain that so many children experience because of their parents. surely, imaams and muslim leaders must start to talk about this! what kind of a parent will I be to my kids?? This is nonsense that we must just accept this abuse and in the interim be pushed away from our religion! the best part is that they use “islam” to defend their terrible ways! when is Islam going to stand up for abused children????

          • Sana says:

            I completely agree with you! Parents think they have a right to beat you and that your life revolves around them. Being beaten by your parents is a cycle which was caused by their parents but we need to break this horrible cycle and learn the true meaning of Islam and parenthood!

    • minza says:

      yaseen ahmed, i feel tht ur life atm is not good becuz of ur mom.. best advice leave ur house.. go away. live a peaceful life alone n never look back.. in this way “u wont say or think anything bad bout ur mom”
      yes , sum moms r not good.. i agree..
      God bless you..
      n Dont Listen to all these imam, they r not always rite.. sum r even self proclaimed. i knw u r angry n frustrated .. ur mom shood be polite n nice either thn being abusive.. God bless u n show u the rite path.
      PLZ BE HAPPY N TRUST ALLAH. UR LIFE WILL CHANGE BELIEVE ME.. PRAY PRAY PRAY 🙂

    • muslima says:

      Salam yaseen,
      You are not alone. I know how you feel. Allah subhanahu wa taala said that parents have responsibilties over their offsprings. Unfortunately some parents are not good. The “jannah lies under the feet of the mother” it lies under the mother that follows the teachings of Islam of what is a mother. I don’t care what any imam says, they are not always right. My own mother kicked me out in Ramadan. Now you tell me. Why? If I tell you the reason, you are gonna laugh, but on my way out crying, a two year old…you know what he said to me? “God bless you” I took it as Allah’s sign for me that he is with me and that my mom is wrong. This is an issue that is HIGHLY taboo in the Islamic world.

  12. PERSON##2 says:

    I have to say that I know someone who fits under this category. I won’t say who (it is not my mother) Very harsh and she takes insults to a new level. Once when I was 14 she told me that no man my age would ever want me or even a 40 year old man and that they should have me married to a 90 year old man in diapers, because I didn’t deserve anyone else.. She also said “wow it’s no wonder your father abandoned you!” That was like a punch in the gut.

    I try to ignore the cruel comments, but I seeth with anger on the inside. And I feel like inside me is a constant battle between, humbly accepting the insults, or having self esteem that is way of the charts (boardering on Arrogance) now I know arrogance is haram, but I make so many big headed comments ( anyone should be lucky to have me as a wife/daughter) to try and combat the negative feelings I have about myself, I feel like if I say them enough that I will start feeling better about myself.

  13. muslima says:

    Salam,
    Like someone said in the comments below. Only those with abusive parents know the pain. It hurts me because Islam puts such importance on the mother but a mother who is alcoholic and jealous of her own daughter and tries to put her down and bad mouth her and always prefers the bad kids over her, yet despite all this the girl tries to be understanding and loving and then gets punished for being that! Graduates college and worked and when she gave money , she was good but when she doesn have a job, mother says “you never help me, you never gave money” that requires you to write checks next time. That when you cook a meal that everyone loves, she tries to make a better one. You get yelled at when you speak well of the father and stepmother who raised you well enough to be patient to the birth mother, I’m considered. A bad person, evil and liar if I ever speak well of anyone she hated. That when someone compliments me, I can almost see the envy sweat audubillah. It is sad that I can’t talk t mom about men and love. I can’t tell her how I feel when I’m sad for fear she will use it against me, it is sad to be the one having to be the bigger person but hamdullah Allah gave me strength and wisdom and I know Allah is with me. For the sake of the 9 months she carried me, I’ll say salam when I see her but a mother-daughter relationship…almost non-existant.

    • hussein says:

      Salaam Everyone. Unfortunately, this issue is never discussed openly. I believe the mover’s & shakers of the Islamic world, still use Islam to justify their abusive nature. Is so so sad…..

      My father was a very abusive person, both physically & verbally. For 18 or so years he physically & verbally attacked my mother & us 4 brothers. At every turn used Islam to justify his evil evil deeds. If he was alive today I would have murdered him. I pray that he has an eternity of pain & suffering. Allah may forgive, but I can’t. The koran says be good to our parents and yes absolutely, but what if, they were evil!!!!

      Answer this question please and stop using Islam to justify these Bastard parents shortcomings……

      • Wael says:

        hussein, if they are evil and abusive then simply separate yourself from them. My article was not trying to “justify” anything. The article is not about treatment of parents, but about how to maintain one’s self-esteem and dignity in the face of verbal abuse.

  14. shabana says:

    Salaam ji
    i dont know how to start well my parents always fighted when i was a kid,i grw up in europe in a village .Didnt saw never my other relatives only my parents and my elder brother who was in his world because my parents attitude.My father was every day bitten my mother for lttle reasons and she every day cry,didnt get any help from her relatives who were far away and i was a kid didnt take any love and care from both of them always talk to me as a thing or i hasnt any value for them after marriage too my husband are looking me as a thing dont respect me and always call me stupid or that i am looser as i dont do anyting well as i cant drive as he can or work as he working and other mtters i am unhappy with my life only courage is MY ALLAH AND MY NAMAZ TO HIM My son 8years old act like his father dont care love his mom.

    i cant any more i am human too have fellings why all call me zero…

    • Aideth says:

      All that we believe about ourselves come back to us, your parents make you believe you were “nothing” and you are getting more of the same.. your husband and now your children… start changing your inside with love and positive affirmations. there is a website about narcissism.. inshaAllah it will bbe helpful, unfortunately there is not too much in islam, that is why I consulted this website.. just remember always match what they say with our religion inshaAllah.. you can look in google under melania tonia evans. narcissim

  15. Sarah says:

    My parents were the cool people everyone wanted to know in the community, they were very successful and advertised their so called islamic identity to everyone. They spent years helping people to cultivate this image and they would brag about their exploits by retelling emotionally charged stories about all the charity work they did so people could fall in love with them.

    All in the name of Islam.

    In the name of Islam my parents robbed me of my childhood, they abused my innocence and kept me isolated from everyone and everything that I could possibly make a connection with. The hideous expressions my mother used to make when she would look at me, the cruel words, the put downs, the screaming, the threats. I was ugly, worthless. I went into dissociation and I still have a problem staying in the present whenever something triggers the memories.
    But people are not willing to believe, when I cried out for help people labelled me the troublemaker, me the problem, me the vile digusting creature. This is Muslims for you, not everyone is like this but so many people would rather label the victim as an attention seeker someone who is dying for pity. No, all I want is validation, inshAllah Allah will one day give me justice.

    I have done my best to move on but my mother and siblings and father still try to use me as a door mat. My husband, who is a blessing, has tried to protect me from this, in return he has also been slandered by my parents. My mother is a narcissistic sociopath, lies pour from her lips one after the other. And she used to preach to me about the virtues of telling the truth and not lying.
    I became psychiatric last year because I couldnt take it anymore, they were driving me crazy. Her mother is also exactly like her and noone wants to be around her. My mother, it seems is taking after her behaviour.

    Everyone keeps saying, “listen to your parents, respect your mother, heaven lies under her feet”, my mother is a devil in disguise, I don’t think heaven lies under her feet. No, I think something else does entirely.

    Thankyou for the above article, there are so few articles out there related to Muslims who deal with such sensitive topics. A true shame.

    It is important to get an Islamic prospective on psychotic mothers who use deen as a weapon against their innocent children. I wish I had been taken in by the social services when I was a kid, at least I would have been moved someplace where I wast emotionally, verbally and mentally abused. At least I wouldn’t have been treated like a modern day slave.
    Khair, everything is from Allah I pray that He watches over all of us who have been wronged and makes it easy for us day by day. I pray that one day all of these oppressors will be brought into the light and shamed for their actions. Till then I will try to make up for the years and opportunities I have lost. May Allah make it easy for all,
    Ameen.

    • hussein says:

      Well done Sarah. I cannot understand why parents are afforded the IMMUNITY CARD, just because they are parents. This understanding must be addressed seriously now. My bastard parents took away 24 years of my life. Now I want that back.

    • Haaris says:

      Dear Dr Sarah, if you read this please get in touch, I am in a similarly complex situation, and want to run away from my home. I am also becoming a psychiatrist. Any guidance would be really helpful as the inner turmoil and dilemma is taking too much of my time and affecting my post graduate studies. I will be really grateful if you can reply back and offer me some guidance regarding this.

  16. Minha says:

    ASA and thank you so much for this article it was very inspiring and beautiful and in fact it brought tears to my eyes. I am 15 years old and I live in Saudi Arabia. My father yells at me and my mother about every single day. He barely lectures but he just usually goes off and starts yelling. He has a very loud voice and he does not have a border of when to stop. He has said the worst things to me. The cruelest things that I wish I had not heard. He is a man that refers everything he does with Allah. He tends to link everything to Allah and Islam but he ignores the hadiths and the quranic verses that have been revealed as to how to behave with your children and your wife. A year ago he said “I will say Alhumdulillah when you die and rejoice that Allah has ridden me of you” He has told me to commit suicide saying that no one cares and that no one will miss me. He has said many times that just looking at my face angers him. He has called me a psycho and a failure in life and stupid and worthless and a piece of garbage and has told me many times that he hates me and that i’m not his daughter. He makes it too obvious that he would prefer my other younger siblings than he would prefer me. When I was 6 he used to hit me and pinch my thighs and twist my ears and drag me on the carpet by my arms or by pulling my hair. He yells at me so much and insults me so much that I am tired. I am sick and tired. His voice hurts my ears. And the thing that really scares me is when he does all of this and then uses this excuse “Do you know that when a father is upset with you then Allah is upset with you too?!” And then I asked Allah for forgiveness and prayed that he not be upset with me. Its bringing tears to my eyes to recall how scared and upset I was to find out that Allah may be upset with me. And I know you are supposed to respect your parents and be kind but how? How? He acts so nice and loving in front of others outside the house and becomes so rude and hurtful inside the house. And even now he hits me and kicks me sometimes. And he is always insulting me and reminding me of every single small mistake that I have made. One of the biggest mistakes I made is talking to a few male friends on fb. When my father found out he was extremely mad and said that he wants to murder me with his own hands. So I have no fb and very little and limited contact to my friends. And I want to know if maybe i’m wrong? If maybe my mistakes have led up to this? He used to this stuff to me way before the mistake I made as I said when I was 6 years old. He also left me alone inside a washing machine when i was 4. And i’m very tired all I keep thinking is that I only have 3 years until college and then InshAallah I will get married that’s how desperate I’ve become. Please help me brothers and sisters and tell me if he is wrong (?) And if there is anyway to ease this tension from my mind 🙁 I honestly would have committed suicide if Allah (SWT) had not made it Haram. So Alhumdulillah Allah gave me that much imaan.

    • Omer says:

      Asalam o Alaikum, Make friends with Allah and trust me you won’t regret it. Feel about Allah as your friend more than as your master. Only He is the Just and only HE is the most merciful. This life is a test and this world isn’t just. So be patient and only focus on akhirah and ignore everything else.

    • Haaris says:

      You are absolutely right and he is wrong. Too late to reply. But please look up Narcissistic Personality Disorder. He might have that psychiatric illness. So deal with him accordingly and with the help of Quran. Allah loves you no matter who you are. He will be helping you in future as well. Once you understand this illness or a similar illness of his, please refer to Quran to understand how to handle him. You will find some answers. And follow Allah’s lead. Before reading Quran it’s important to ask the right questions. So understand the disease, and get help from a psychiatrist if you can.

      May ALLAH help and guide all. ameen

  17. Barbara says:

    We are test for our parents and they r test for us, nothing else. We must do what said Allah stw, which is care for them and remember that they carried for us when we was small. There is no perfect pplz- Allah stw said that human was created weak. Without Allah we can not do anything, we can not achive anything and we can not even forgive anyone. Problem starts when we think we deserve sth and compare ourselves to others. Too much love from parents also will lead to disconnecting with loved once like what happened with Yusef and his father. Just always accept the sytuaction- it is best for u, it is to clean ur heart and Allah stw the all wise, he knows why things happen to us. Alhamdullah Rabbi al alamin, Ar Rahman Ar Rahim- Allah stw always deal with us with mercy and in any sytuaction there are two easy relieves. We must always love Allah stw, He is so gentle with dealing with us and he want we love what he love for us and give us jennah.

  18. hamza says:

    my father abused me. i am only the little children studying. all my sisters and brother have a way to earn money. i am only the children studying . …. i am just a student of f.sc . i cannot earn money . thats why ha always abused me.

    • Wael says:

      hamza, I’m sorry to hear about your difficulties. How old are you? Do all of your siblings live at home? If any of them have their own home, would it be possible for you to live with them?

  19. SlaveofAllaah says:

    Salam Wael… Shahar Mubarak ya Mubarizun!
    5 mins to breaking my fast now.
    Ya Allaah make the best day of our lives….The day that we meet him 🙂

    It gives us the opportunity to be among the ones that are patient…
    Truly! Allah is with As- Sabirin.

    Insya Allah our parents will be adorn with those suits. 🙂 sweet
    On that day we will be victorious insya Allah.

    It was narrated that Buraydah (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whoever reads the Qur’aan and learns it and acts upon it will be given a crown of light to wear on the Day of Resurrection, the light of which is like the light of the sun, and his parents will be clothed with two suits the equivalent of which is not to be found in this world, and they will say: Why have we been clothed with this? And it will be said: Because your son learned the Qur’aan.” 

    Narrated by al-Haakim (1/756); he said it is saheeh according to the conditions of Muslim. Al-Albaani said It is hasan because of corroborating evidence, as it says in Saheeh al-Targheeb. 

  20. hamza says:

    i am just 16 . my father have no good relations with reletives . so , it is not possible to live out of family

  21. hamza says:

    he abuses not only me also my mother. ha said to her you are useless

    • Wael says:

      Try to be patient, brother Hamza. In only a few years you will be at university Insha’Allah, and perhaps you will not be at home as often, or maybe even living away from home. As for your mother, she is responsible for her own choices. There’s little you can do about that except make dua’.

  22. […] I read this Quran based article recently on how to deal with being unloved by your parent. Basically, it quoted a passage about how humans were born into a place of dignity because Allah made a beautiful world for them. So, you are special and can value yourself and love yourself by just recognizing that. Here’s the article: http://islamicsunrays.com/value-yourself/. […]

  23. Annoyed says:

    I completely agree with “yaseen ahmed” and “none of your business”. Seriously, what gives? In Islam, my parents won’t get punished for acting like complete ***holes but I will because I told them to stop. Don’t get me wrong, I love Islam and I’m so glad to be born a Muslim but I REALLY dislike how parents get to flaunt their rights and do whatever they want while us kids will taste the worst part of hell because we spoke out against their oppression (even in a calm manner). It’s not fair at all. And it’s SO easy for anyone without abusive parents to say “love them regardless”. That comment, to me, is very ignorant.

    • Wael says:

      “Annoyed”, you missed the point of the article. It’s not about who will or will not be punished, or who will go to Hell.

    • something says:

      @Annoyed ..who said they wont be punished!…. Of course respect for your parents comes when they show you respect and compassion. I guess some parents use ‘ISLAM’ to justify abuse ..which is horrible,but really Islam has ordered to treat kids with love and compassion .
      The point is that YOUR reaction is important life is 10% what God does to you..and 90% how you react to it. You can fight the abuse in a peaceful way try to distance yourself from them..without being rude…cut them off..try to spend time away from them …and with your creator,with your friends ,with people who value you. So the glass is cracked by them ..hey at least keep your end whole and if you don’t like being with them later but do so for Allah …than they are to blame your image of them is something they have full control over……Its hard but Allah wll never put more burden on you than you can take.
      you sound like a teen ..if you are one..focus on building your future..at least you are lucky that your financial problems are not so big because your parents pay for everything…..and most importantly Hang in there.Inshallah it will get better

  24. Mujeeb says:

    Its so common to see Muslim men beating the hell out of their wives and children. I’m sorry to say, this is what me and my mother have been through right from when I was young to this point of time where I’m 20.

    Religious leaders are to blame, for failing to condemn the actions of abusers. Its their duty to inform them about the qualities of Muhammad(saws) and warn them against any wrong doing.

    All the bayans in the masjids are on how we youth have become astray, how we are indulged in vices, how jews are secretly trying to control the world, blah blah blah, while nothing is mentioned about such abuse, nothing about condemning abusive actions. Almost every time I hear on how women should treat their husbands, how children should treat their elders. Never once I heard in the bayans which said of how to treat women, children with dignity and respect, how to inculcate the good habits of Muhammad(saws) and how he treated his children, his women, his sahabis. Not a word on how Women were treated with respect and dignity during the time of Prohpet Muhammad(saws).

  25. Ema says:

    Finally, I have found a post where people can open up and be 100% honest. I understand that I am a ‘difficult, gobby’ daughter (I am 25yrs olds btw) but I feel so torn and emotionally weak. basically I am the 2nd eldest daughter out of 5 children. eldest sister went through harsh times with blackmagic done to her and my mother and father.(The people that did this really tried to destroy my family and household etc but Alhamdulillah we got through this) today she is this wonderful daughter who reads her namaz 5 times a day etc done Hajj married well etc -she is faultless in my parents eyes. then there is me. the bane of their lives. I clash so much with my mother it is unreal!!! my father has never really spoken to me, just tells my other siblings how awful and useless I am. it kills me a little inside each time i hear him say these things. so I have no real relationship with my father and I am very lucky he has never laid a finger on any one of us etc. he’s rather detached emotionally.

    my issue is with my mother (and my big sister who is my mother’s clone and always tries to put me down and I am no angel either, I argue back and say I hate her etc as I feel like she is a meddler)
    my mother and I just DO NOT get along. she is from Bangladesh and got married at 16yrs old. she has never had an real type of education. I feel like she is so backward in her way of thinking and just listens to other people in the community and never thinks for herself. People walk ALL OVER HER AND MY FATHER because they are such simpletons. when I see this, it angers me so much. everyone loves to come round and treat our house as a hotel and my mum will be there serving everyone on hand and foot. It makes my blood boil and so I lock myself away in my room because i cant handle people taking advantage of them – and it truly is taking advantage – you have to see it to believe me. My mum doesnt see this. and we constantly argue over the littlest things. she has depression im sure and keeps cursing me for the awful daughter that I am. This in turn gets me so down.I keep asking Allah for death now because I cant take the fact that I am going to go to Hell for being a disobedient daughter and I just want to get out of mother’s hair and never bother her and the family again. I keep binge eating because I feel so down all the time. Death is my only option. I cant run away because then the community would gossip about my family and parents hence another reason I will rot in Hell so I stay at home and lock myself away. I really want to get married but I cant. mum and dad refuse to get me married unless I wear a hijab in my pictures so that people can see we are from a ‘respectful family’ (and this is another reason for the breakdown in our relationship!) which I refuse to do as I feel it is incredibly stupid and I am a very stubborn person also. All these stupid little things get me down. I know I am going to go to Hell for this and I cant see a way out. Talking/communicating with my mother is not an option, she doesnt understand where I am coming from and she will go off on a rant about how no-one wants to marry me, how i am going to kill her with stress etc etc

    I understand I am a difficult person but its so much harder when my parents dont understand me -I feel like a black sheep – I want out but I dont want to die with severed relations with my parents. Im too scared to commit suicide aswell. I have no-one else who would understand me -everytime they see my lovely hospitable mother, they cannot see she that she can go crazy sometimes and its always me that is the difficult one.

  26. Ema says:

    please delete my original post. I feel guilty/bad for badmouthing my mother and father. I will burn forever for my tongue :((((

    • Abdul says:

      Woow! Relax Ema! Suicide is NOT an option! First of all, if your parents are in the wrong, then they are wrong I’m afraid. Just take a chill pill and stop thinking about rotting in hell. Firstly, I advise you to go learn Islam, yourself, from the many Islamic websites on the net which are actually the real Islam. What your parents have led you to believe is incorrect and no, you will not rot in hell for owning up your feelings of your parents, I assure you. Just move on, relax, and just read what people have said on this blog and value yourself. unfortunately its to do with their upbringing and view of Islam. My parents don’t treat me well, and I find my self in a lot more peace if I just ignore them, and yet again, that’s no sin is it? Just live a happy life and make sure you treat your kids how they should be treated. I’m still young, 17, and have reasons as to why I won’t just leave this home, but once you get older you will finally be free from trouble. All I can say for now is for you to find ways to overcome your problems and be positive! That’s how you get through life.

  27. something says:

    Well I guess the point is that the way they treat us is not in our control ,but the way we behave is and thats something we will be judged for.We can be polite and still try to get away from them and cut them out of our lives without being mean or disrespectful which is our only option because they use emotional blackmail to push our buttons.
    It’s truly a tragedy that responsible ,hardworking and mature people have to tolerate people like this ,who never see their positive side or appreciate it.While there are kids out there ,they have done all kinds of colorful things and forgive me for saying this but are truly failures.Yet they are blessed with such support and encouragement that I often wonder what I lack…..
    Poor self-esteem is a terrible thing ,unfortunately for me my self-esteem broken into pieces everyday.
    I cant believe that emotional attacks are justified by providing you the necessities of life.I mean is paying for your schooling,clothing and food a justification for using you as a punching bag for their own stress.Is making fun of your therapist diagnosed anxiety disorder and your sanity a justification.I mean an anxiety disorder that destroyed you is a good joke that is poked fun at infront of your siblings and her family justified. Is turning the tables on you ok. I dont know but all I do know is that,
    That we are not robots…sometimes we cry in front everyone.We do complain ,we sometimes can’t tolerate and answer back.
    At the same time we should be grateful for a house,money,other things that we don’t lack, an opportunity for a better life by working hard and ultimately living on our own terms,education,the realization and sense of what we are going through AND most of all the Almighty to confide in …He is someone to whom we don’t have to offer explanations or get hurt with false accusations.He knows all of it and He is their for us when no one else is. He is merciful and we know that this is all but a test.This autumn will turn to spring.Like everyone has something wrong with their life whether its a financial problem,a terrible disability etc. We have this and we will get through. Inshahllah
    Its especially hard when you’re a teenager i mean you can not even move out,you are dependent on them in every way also you have serious doubts about yourself . The fact that its very difficult to confide in any relative or offer any explanation because the adults will be taken for their word.The reputation teenagers have I mean automatically even i am sure some will think of them as having typical teen problems and that they are ungrateful after ‘all’ that is done for them.
    There is reality sure such people exist but some of us really do try hard to win them over to at least try to make it work out because one day they wont be around and at least we can the diminish the possibility of us feeling guilty for not trying.
    Emotional Abuse is real and often justified by the abusers so it is very nice that there are pages online that help with it from an Islamic perspective.I look forward to reading more articles like this to make it easier…Thank you for posting and thank you everybody for sharing your stories.

  28. hope to disappear says:

    My mother is very harsh to me. You keep saying that no matter we have to learn to value ourselves. But how is it possible? I live here with my family. I have illnesses. i am over 30. they dont care that i suffer. i dont care if they say i am useless. but everything i do is a criminal act worthy of punishment in hell. foreg, if i treat a kitten kindly and spend time caring for it, my mother starts abusing me saying i should spend time with hadith and quraan and not waste time with animals. the thing is i am extremely punctual with my salaat and my islamicreading. if the neighbourhood kids come home, kids have an affinity to me andeve if i avoid them, they cling to me.. and my family blames me for wasting precioustime on those kids rather than islam. if i talk to my old college friend my parents get upset. even a few minutes annoys them. they say you should spend that time either on the family or on Allah. I practically live here 24/7. and spend all my time at home. I have extremely conservative values and i never gooutanywhere. I stay at homehelping everyone around the house andspend time on allah and feeding the stray cats and orphaned cats and also work in the yard. Thatis my life. Ihave oldersiblings. and none of us are married. I hoped marriage would be my ticket out of here, but they thwarted my plea and hurt me severely. I am kind to my parents. but sometimes they push me and abuse me far to much. and i explode. for eg, if i dont want to attend a wedding ,they abuse me. if i dont want to go out they abuse me. i have pain in my bones all day – it is my condition..sometimes i tend to frown or have a serious expression. DESPITE KNOWING THE AILMENTS I SUFFER WITH – MY FAMILY MISUNDERSTAND ME ALWAYS SAYING I AM ALWAYS SCOWLING AND UNFRIENDLY. I pray for my parents everyday. i do my chores as much as my body can bear.
    My sister is very healthy and strong.. she is older than me and she works hard. I dream of doing all the things she does for our family like cooking and cleaning.. and running at the beck and call of my parents..i most often cant even walk or stand due to my pain.. but because i do less, my parents always treat her kindly and degrade me in front of everyone. and my sister never cares for what they do to me.they only have cursesfor me. and only hurtme and say bad. They say i cry out of self pity and say i should be happy that i have a great life with comforts others can dream of. indeed i am grateful. but i practically livein a cage.. and even my freedom of expression and speech is under their control.
    I pray and do things to the best of my capacity.. and now i just feel i should never have been born
    please tell me something i can do to ease my soul. I know i should turn to allah alone, but a word or two may guide me

    • qwerty says:

      Oh sister! I pray to Allah for you to bestow His Mercy and love upon you, and guide you in your situation. Allah knowing the capacities of we people, has given us certain tests suitable for us. He doesnt burden us more than we can bear.

      Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “Look at those below you and not those above you. It is better for you so that you do not deny Allaah’s blessings upon you”.

    • Sister says:

      Alsalamo alaykom wa rahmatollaahi wa barakaato. Dear Sister, Subhan Allah, i am going thrue many of the same things. I recommend that you watch some uplifting videos on youtube about going thrue hardships by speakers such as Mufti Menk and to read uplifting articles about being tested. There is an article on zawaj.com about a girl who was thinking about suicide and one of the commentors who called herself “HelplessSlave” wrote such an amazing responce Ma shaa Allah, even though i’m not suicidal, i still needed to hear that. The link is: http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/horrible-life-suicide-depression/ and you will have to search for the responce by the user HelplessSlave

      This part was especially helpfull:

      “It is in the MOMENTS and TIMES you feel abandoned by your Creator; that you feel lost and left to wander in the burning agony of your circumstance; it is in these hard and tough times that you should remember God’s mercy; it is the MOMENTS and TIMES that you feel as if YOUR LORD will never FORGIVE you for your transgression and you are tempted to reach out for more vanity and tempted to commit more scrupulous acts and treachery; to REMEMBER:

      the Devil tries to overcome you with DESPAIR and SADNESS, knowing that the deeper he plunges the Children of Adam into SORROW; they will be prevented from reaching out to their AID; from reaching out to their LORD…

      Rather, he will misguide and mislead the children of Adam towards other things to escape from their Hardships. Among them, Murder, Suicide and Drugs”.

      Dear sister, something i realized about my and your situation is that it is, in shaa Allah blessed, you and i and others in similar situations, we have been given an opportunity to get close to Allah in a way that most can’t understand or relate to. I suggest that you make the most of this opportunity. The more your parents upset you, the more you turn to Allah and also try your best to be good to them even after they hurt you. Cool down first then pray for them and do anything nice you can for them despite what they said, even if its just washing the dishes or something. Don’t be disrespectful back because that is something i used to do and i had to learn the hard way that what i was doing was wrong, despite how justified i thought it was. If you have sins that you haven’t given up such as music, wasting time watching tv, old fasts that you haven’t made up, kaffarat yameen and other such things, then it’s time to deal with it and set things right. Trust me when i say hat inner happiness is not only found in marriage, going out, having friends and so on. Many who have all of that and more, don’t have inner happiness. Other have inner happiness becauseofbthose things bug their inner happiness is also attached to those things, so if they lose something of it, their inner peace goes away and they start losing all hope and then go down a bad road. Whatever we have in life, it is through getting close to Allah and giving up all major sins (and imposing a zero tolerance for it in our hearts), doing our best to give up minor sins and of course doing many good deeds that we can feel happiness and peace while still having fear of Allah to keep us in check. Read quotes or books from the great scholars such as Ibn Qayyim, Hasan Al basri and many of the salaf and learned men. Make sure you know tawheed and that you have the right intentions for your deeds. Basically, ransack yourself in light of Islam and remember that hardship is a way for cleansng ourselfs of sins. Nothing will matter in the end except what we brought with us to the grave and the akhirah. If we have been given families that hurt us then we must deal with it Islamically and with sabr so that it will be a blessing for us and we need to keep praying for our parents and family and others, forgive everyone who hurt you and remember that it’s all temporary if we deal with it correctly, otherwise, it might come back to haunt us in the akhirah.

      I found this video by mufti menk helpful and uplifting:

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=13t7XY3LQsk

      May Allah make it easy for us and guide us and our families, Ameen

      (Sorry for re-posting but it seems the first time i posted it, it didn’t end up here.)

  29. Jasmine says:

    How is it possible that a father who tells his daughter: “You are a useless idiot, raised like a pig mexican, you need people to beat you up, even your husband should beat you up so you learn to behave” and a mother who does not stop talking about how much of a sl*t her daughter is and how she’s a kaffir and a no one who is going to burn in hell, how are they going to paradise? how should I value myself? how am I not supposed to defend myself? And why am I the one going to hell? Keep in mind I am a good muslim ( I pray all 5 prayers, I read Qur’an, I wear full hijab, I never speak with boys ever).
    I can’t take it anymore. My parents are racist and abusive, and there’s no way out. My mother went even as far as telling my little sister who looks up to me “Don’t talk to her, she’s going to hell”, and we were not even in a fight! she just casually says things like that. My parents also hit me a lot. I really am afraid of speaking up because of that. My mother hit me on my head the other day and I thought I was going to have a concussion. I used to ignore my parents’ actions, but now I really can’t help but express, even if they hit me for it. I tell my mother I hate her and I tell her how arrogant she and my father are for thinking they’re better than other races and other people. The truth is I don’t hate my mother, but I’m not sure I love her either. I also have a big brother who is exactly like her, except he’s a thousand times worse. My brother is one of the reasons I hated my life before. All he does is eat, excrete, and sleep, and he gets praised for it so much.I help my mother and do whatever she asks for and tells me I don’t help her and I’m not doing enough and that my brother is so much better than me. My mother loves him (she always expresses she hates girls and loves boys a lot more). He also abuses me and embarrasses me in front of people. I just don’t comprehend how he’s going to heaven like my mother and father say and I’M going to hell?? I can’t comprehend why someone would treat a child the way my parents treat me? I am so kind to them, I’m the kindest out of their children, yet to them I am a piece of garbage. Why should I go to hell? It’s not fair, this isn’t how it’s supposed to be.

    • Little Sparrow says:

      Jasmine. I wish I could say I understand what you’re going through. But I can never put myself in your shoes as you can never put yours in mine. I had posted my issues here last year. It actually helped me vent my depression. But soon afterwards I felt somewhat terrible for saying all that. But Ican tell you, venting out did help me look at my problems from a different perspective as I read my post. I need to thank Mr.Wael

      I still face problems sometimes with my parents now. I cry a lot sometimes. But then I remember Imam Ali RA’s quote , ” Do not cry on your pillow for that will not change anything. Get up and cry on your prayer mat and Allah will grant you ease after your hardships. ”

      This is a very delicate issue where you cannot hurt your parents. Because as muslims we cannot .
      But after this confession I’ve been building up on my levels of patience and generosity of the heart to forgive. And to let go. And I know Allah doesnt test anyone more than he/she can bear. So greater your difficulties in life, the more rewards you deserve for being forbearing. You should watch this video…

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-F_MNa0OFIc

      Also sometimes there is a possibility of other worldly beings causing your parents to be extremely unreasonable with you and treating you this bad. Because, as I have come to realize now, no matter what they say or do, deep down parents love their children very much. Sometimes culture also plays an important role. My parents are brown and in our culture kids are depreciated and battered up to keep them from getting spoiled. its a twisted logic. Fortunately I dont conform to such cultural rules. And as soon as I made my parents realize that they dont need to keep yelling to make me a good person. and being unreasonable and hurting me all the time – it really helped them change. Its a slow process, but by Allah’s grace and blessings it is all getting better. For one thing is certain – No friendship can beat that relationship with your parents when it is ideal. So keep the hope and prayers going on. I will pray for you also. InshaAllah you will be rewarded for your patience and not a single tear is wasted 🙂

    • Sister says:

      Dear sister Jasmin, My comment above, allthough meant to the user “hope to disappear” is a general advice to you, her, me and anyone else who are in hardship. Don’t let your families initial mistakes become part of your mistakes by responding to their insults and abuse in the same way. Your parents can’t decide who is going to hell and heaven, Allah does and we have to obey him, even in situations dealing with abusive parents who do ou wrong. Take their abuse as fuel to become closer to Allah and to collect good deeds for your akhirah. The truth is, no matter how much they hurt us, we don’t want Allah to punish them deep down. Maybe directly after heaing their hurtful words or actions, we may get some satanic thoughts but after cooling down and thinking about the hardships our parents themselves have gone thrue and how dangerous their behaviour is for their own souls, our heart will soften. If you can’t feel it now then some other day, you probaly will. I had to learn the hard way that we can not be disrespectful to our parents despte what they say. I don’t have the answers to your specific situation but you can ask a scholar about it here:

      http://www.islamweb.net/emainpage/index.php?page=fatwa&tab=3

      May Allah help you and bring you out of this hardship. Ameen

  30. Sister says:

    Alsalamo alaykom wa rahmatollaahi wa barakaato. Dear Sister, Subhan Allah, i am going thrue many of the same things. I recommend that you watch some uplifting videos on youtube about going thrue hardships by speakers such as Mufti Menk and to read uplifting articles about being tested. There is an article on zawaj.com about a girl who was thinking about suicide and one of the commentors who called herself “HelplessSlave” wrote such an amazing responce Ma shaa Allah, even though i’m not suicidal, i still needed to hear that. The link is: http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/horrible-life-suicide-depression/ and you will have to search for the responce by the user HelplessSlave

    This part was especially helpfull:

    “It is in the MOMENTS and TIMES you feel abandoned by your Creator; that you feel lost and left to wander in the burning agony of your circumstance; it is in these hard and tough times that you should remember God’s mercy; it is the MOMENTS and TIMES that you feel as if YOUR LORD will never FORGIVE you for your transgression and you are tempted to reach out for more vanity and tempted to commit more scrupulous acts and treachery; to REMEMBER:

    the Devil tries to overcome you with DESPAIR and SADNESS, knowing that the deeper he plunges the Children of Adam into SORROW; they will be prevented from reaching out to their AID; from reaching out to their LORD…

    Rather, he will misguide and mislead the children of Adam towards other things to escape from their Hardships. Among them, Murder, Suicide and Drugs”.

    Dear sister, something i realized about my and your situation is that it is, in shaa Allah blessed, you and i and others in similar situations, we have been given an opportunity to get close to Allah in a way that most can’t understand or relate to. I suggest that you make the most of this opportunity. The more your parents upset you, the more you turn to Allah and also try your best to be good to them even after they hurt you. Cool down first then pray for them and do anything nice you can for them despite what they said, even if its just washing the dishes or something. Don’t be disrespectful back because that is something i used to do and i had to learn the hard way that what i was doing was wrong, despite how justified i thought it was. If you have sins that you haven’t given up such as music, wasting time watching tv, old fasts that you haven’t made up, kaffarat yameen and other such things, then it’s time to deal with it and set things right. Trust me when i say hat inner happiness is not only found in marriage, going out, having friends and so on. Many who have all of that and more, don’t have inner happiness. Other have inner happiness becauseofbthose things bug their inner happiness is also attached to those things, so if they lose something of it, their inner peace goes away and they start losing all hope and then go down a bad road. Whatever we have in life, it is through getting close to Allah and giving up all major sins (and imposing a zero tolerance for it in our hearts), doing our best to give up minor sins and of course doing many good deeds that we can feel happiness and peace while still having fear of Allah to keep us in check. Read quotes or books from the great scholars such as Ibn Qayyim, Hasan Al basri and many of the salaf and learned men. Make sure you know tawheed and that you have the right intentions for your deeds. Basically, ransack yourself in light of Islam and remember that hardship is a way for cleansng ourselfs of sins. Nothing will matter in the end except what we brought with us to the grave and the akhirah. If we have been given families that hurt us then we must deal with it Islamically and with sabr so that it will be a blessing for us and we need to keep praying for our parents and family and others, forgive everyone who hurt you and remember that it’s all temporary if we deal with it correctly, otherwise, it might come back to haunt us in the akhirah.

    I found this video by mufti menk helpful and uplifting:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=13t7XY3LQsk

    May Allah make it easy for us and guide us and our families, Ameen

  31. Saif says:

    Why there is no clear things mentioned regarding the childrens rights in islam.
    First thing,today’s childrens would be tomorrows parents.So entire generation growth depends on childrens. Why in Islam everywhere is parents,parents.If a person hit a parent and childrens at a same time,does it mean that parents will have more pain and childrens will fell less pain.Nope,pain is same.

    Every time I tried to find the answer for that,I didnt find the one. If a non-muslim tries to find the same answer in islam,what he is gonna get.

    • Wael says:

      “Why there is no clear things mentioned regarding the childrens rights in islam.”

      Because that’s not the subject of this particular article. Since I seem to get a lot of questions about it, however, I will try to add something on the subject Insha’Allah.

  32. Brother Khan says:

    Salaam,
    I have a very abusive father he treats me and my mother like rubbish he has enough money but doesnt spend it , even on the essentials, he hits us when were fasting as well and sometimes I dont even have enough bus money to get home I get abused if I turn off my computer by accident if he wants to use it and screams and cureses if his food is not prepared on time I have had enough talking to him wont work and my grandparents raised him and his brothers well I am on the verge of breaking down What shall I do?

    • Wael says:

      As-salamu alaykum brother. It’s unclear from your question how old you are. I will assume that you are perhaps a teenager and still in school. My suggestion is to spend as much time away from the house as possible, either at school, the library, the masjid, a friend’s house, etc. When you do go home just try to avoid our father as much as possible. Soon Insha’Allah you will be university age and perhaps you can arrange to attend a university in another city.

      As far as your financial needs at the moment, maybe you can earn a little cash in some way? When I was a child I used to deliver newspapers before school. Then on the way to school I would stop at he store and buy some candy, and re-sell it at school for 50% more. After school I did gardening work for the neighbors. I always had cash in my pocket.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  33. S.Chem says:

    Thank you for this article. I really needed this kind of article in my life.

    I know this is 3 years late, but I’m still feeling obliged to thank you.

    I am not a good daughter, but I always try my best. Except that my mother never appreciates it. Since I was little, I saw my mom lied to everyone for her own good, which always brings trouble to other people, including my late dad. Especially in terms of money, my mother is a materialistic, now I can understand that. I never thought it would happen, but I lost respect to my own mother.

    Now that I’m all grown up and have my own money, not much, and sometimes so desperate to save for my future, my mom is using the money issue as me not a good daughter. She never asks me my being, and always expects us to ask hers, which all 5 siblings of mine always do, but never seem enough for her. She never knows what’s up with our life, how hard we have to work to earn money, for her sake. We sometimes don’t eat to keep her most comfortable, and by this I mean her having so much money she herself doesn’t know what to do. We paid for her house, all the bills and keep the food on her table, but we still give her almost all of our salary to keep her happy, and to be honest, for our happiness, too.

    It has come to the point where we all feel we are abused mentally, but there’s nothing, NOTHING we can do, seriously we have tried and got yelled at and beat and she even curse our future life and said we are the ungrateful child and won’t have a bright future cuz we said such things to her (in very gentle way, too) to change her. We are cursed for her breastmilk and are called unfaithful child.

    I honestly don’t know what to do, I know the limit as the child of a mother is Islam, we can’t speak up our voice and even make a noise or will be a n unfaithful child. And I don’t want that.

    I have come to the point where I can’t even talk to her cuz it hurts so much cuz most of her words are lies, she make lies to our face just to make us feel sorry for her and even worse to make us feel guilty and to give her money. She never wants our love, and I don’t feel loved, at all. We were only her “monthly salary”.

    I guess I just have to be patient. Thank you for the article and thank you for reading this.

  34. Keanen says:

    Assalam-u-Alykum, thank you for the platform to ask a question.

    Right, read all the comments and have a question as im in a tricky spot.

    Parents are divorced and my mother had to Play the role of both mother and father.
    Whilst i love my mother and understand that she did the best she could and raising me to be a better person despite the odds.

    Now fast forward a few years on. My mother constantly reminds me of how bad my father was to her and his neglect of his duties to his children. She bad mouths him and his family all the time.

    I have a younger sister whom wishes to get married and though the conditions are not perfect it has caused a rift between my mother and my sister. To the extent she requested my fathers presence. So my father came around and tried to assist. However that soon escalated into a mudslinging match.
    I fully understand the pain my mother has endured and the hurt she feels when i agree with my father on any point. Yet all im trying to achieve is a happy union for my sister in the best manner – using advice and following protocols for a sound marriage.

    I am torn between my two parents. I need to honour BOTH my parents, yet, when doing so, they immediately go into a rage and compare how little i do for them and how im choosing sides.
    All i wish to do is honour my parents fairly. Their divorce and their issues is their problem. Whatever horrible things my father did to my mother and to me as a child is what he needs to answer to on the day of judgement – i have made peace with losing out on that part of my life. I will need to answer to what i did as an adult to my parents – their rights over me.

    I wish to maintain kinship and the family bond (which we are commanded to do), yet, any attempt to do so and they put me on a guilt trip and make their issues my problem. I do not want to be questioned on the day of judgement for breaking family ties and not honouring my parents, yet they keep pulling me to either side making me choose sides which ends up in either party being upset with me.

    As you know, if your parents are displeased with you, your duas are not accepted and committing a major sin. This is my conundrum. I am trying to follow what has been commanded of me, yet im hurting both my parents in the process.

    EVERY article i have read, they talk about parents rights to their children. Yet they ALL fail to mention that parents ABUSE that right and causes family ties to break by keeping the child away from his/her mother/father or making THEIR divorce issues that of the child.

    I am really looking for advise. I have been called horrid things, made to feel worthless and to be told im a terrible child. All because they cherry pick what part of islam is suitable for them when reprimanding me. I never speak up or backchat them. I remain quiet, take the abuse, all for the sake of peace. Yet there is a breaking point. I am starting to resent my parents for making me choose. This is not something i want to feel, yet each time i visit, the horrid feeling overcomes me and i fear that i will be attacked for visiting either my father or mother for 1 minute longer than what i did for the other.
    Yet i still go back for more abuse as i need to fulfull their rights over me. Soon this will be a “chore” and not something i love to do. Its been YEARS patience. I have not changed my feelings, its them making me feel cold and unresponsive to them. Something i hate. Yet, when you open up, you are emotionally beaten down.

    So whats more important? Maintaining Kinship? making parents happy? cause in this case, its damned if you do, and damned if you dont.

    I have tried speaking to them in a kind manner – failed
    I tried bringing them together to resolve this – Failed
    Advised them of my duty and allowing me to fulfill that – failed.
    Patience – around 15years of it.

  35. Adrian says:

    Dear fellow spiritual travelers: I am 38 years old and I was raised Protestant Christian in the Midwest, near Cincinnati. I am not as intricately familiar with Islam or Koranic scripture as with Judeo-Christianity and the Bible. But I do know that my parents were not very religious people, even though I tried to do nothing to hurt them and what I could to live up to my potential as a human being, albeit when I was going to a rough and coarse public school through the age of 18. When I turned 21, in October 1997, my parents as well as my Fundamentalist Christian employer and the girl I was dating betrayed my trust in them. My mother tried to kill herself with drugs, then my father blamed it on me and forced me to attend family counseling sessions, where the doctors accused me of being “narcissistic and bipolar” even though I called the ambulance to save my mother’s life. Today, because of the Great Recession, I am still living with my parents, and I feel as though they have been psychologically abusive people. I would like to move out of their house one day permanently, and possibly to a region of the country (Florida or Southwest?) where the climate and job market are better. I want for everyone reading this to be in my thoughts and prayers, and I am hoping that I can avoid the 2001-era stereotypes of Islam because there must be, of approximately 1 billion Muslims, many decent people who have faced the same issues in life themselves. 🙂

  36. anon says:

    You say suicide is not allowed in Islam….. but what if I see suicide as a way of getting back to the place I came from….. getting back to God.?? ….where I will feel nothing but love and of being loved, respected just the way I am with all my flaws…and I am not made to constantly feel that I have to earn love.. a place where will be loved unconditionally, a place where I am not made to feel worthless…. and no-one can harm & abuse me or cause me mental, physical or emotional or spiritual pain or make me feel neglected, unvalued, not respected and worthless…. as my parents have done since childhood…
    ….surely Gods home is a place I want to hasten to….why would I want to delay going there …..?

    Islam tells me that I have to love & respect my parents and never say any bad word or raise my voice..no matter how they treat me….and this just adds to my feeling of guilt I already have for arguing back with my mother or raising my voice or using bad word in anger of being mis-treated…and that my mother constantly reminds me of how Islam says we have to respect our parents, especially mothers no matter what.
    She tells me I am a drama queen and completely negates my feeling….and tell me that my bad experience of her parenting childhood is me exaggerating and or I am mad…
    I am left with just simply feeling bad about my self and I know I have hurt my mother is this cycle of abuse…

    As a child for years I kept quiet and kept all the feelings in me…but even that did not work…I used to cry myself to sleep and wish for death…and sometimes used to trick myself at the young age of 10 that when I am older things will just magically be different….. I am now 43yr old and my mother still makes me feel that same way as I felt as a child….worthless and I sometimes I still cry myself to sleep.

    Since my father passed away 5 yrs ago I have developed a medical condition called fibromyalgia…which a chronic fatigue syndrome…but I think I am just exhausted with life and all these bad relationships and feelings….and finally my body just wants to shut down….

    I pray at end of each prayer ( salah) for my death….but death does not come…and I feel trapped when I read articles …that Islam does not allow suicide…and it is a sin….and whilst this stops me as I do not want to displease Allah.. yet I feel trapped….and I often feel that I am not really living my life to my true potential and often the way my parents have mis-treated me over the years since childhood and they way my mother continues to do so makes me mistrust the world, other people, myself and at times God….sometimes I feel angry with God and then I feel bad a at feeling angry with God and other times I remind my self that God is challenging me and at other times I simply don’t understand why God has put me in this situation….

    So tell me why I should not want to go back to Gods home where I feel secure and loved…..and finally be free of these torn mixed feelings?

    • Wael says:

      “what if I see suicide as a way of getting back to the place I came from….. getting back to God.?? ….where I will feel nothing but love and of being loved”…

      You already know the answer to your question. Suicide is a major sin in Islam. It is forbidden in the Quran and condemned by the Prophet (sws), because giving life and taking it is the province of Allah. Your life is a gift and a trust from Allah; it is not your right to take it. By doing so, you will earn Allah’s displeasure and punishment. That is what you will find waiting, not love and acceptance.

      One who commits suicide also calls Allah a liar, because Allah assures us in the Quran that He does not burden any soul with more than it can bear.

      Please read my article, Suicide in Islam

      As to your specific problem, brother, you are 43 years old. You need to accept that your mother is not going to give you the approval and love that you crave. She is not going to see your worth, and is not going to admit that she was a bad parent. You are wasting your time with that. Perhaps she was raised by a bad parent herself; perhaps her own parents made her feel worthless, and she is continuing the cycle. For whatever reason, she is incapable of giving you the love you need.

      Accept that. Learn to value yourself. Distance yourself from your mother to some degree. If you still live with her, move out. Get your own home. Check in with your mother by phone and assist her when she needs, but get some space for yourself.

      Stop the self-pity and make something of your life. Get married and find a wife who will love you in the way you need. Have children. The wonderful thing about children is that they love unconditionally. There is nothing as sweet in life as having your child hug and kiss you. Resolve to do better with your children than your mother did with you. In fact, take your mother’s behavior as an object lesson in what not to do.

      It might also help you to see a counselor on a regular basis.

      Wael

    • Sister says:

      Dear brother or sister anon. Have you tried Ruqya? I recommend that you do.

      Also keep yourself busy with lots of dhikr and istighfar. Pray at least two rakat at the last third of the night before fajr. And Increase reading Quran.

      Do you know the duas for sadness? If not, then print them or bookmark them and make those duas every day.

      You are being tested so take the opportunity to get closer to Allah. Erase suicide from your mind, it is not an option nor a solution. Imagine having 100 abusive mothers, comitting suicide is worse than that!!

      Watch inspirational Islamic lectures on sadness etc, they will in sha Allah uplift your mood.

      As for you raising your voice to your mother, there is a book that i think might help you. It’s actually not about parents but it’s about patience. This book could possibly change your mind set and benefit you not only with regards to your mother but in many areas of life.

      The book is written by ibn qayyim and a english translation and free download of the book can be downloaded here:

      http://www.kalamullah.com/ibn-qayyim.html (you have to scroll down a bit to find it)

      The book is called “The way to patience and gratitude” . Don’t ignore this rather downoad it and read it. It’s over 500 pages i think but don’t let that scare you. And least try the first chapters and you will in sha Allah see why i recommend it with regards to your mother..

      Sometimes we need to learn how to deal with certain areas of our life by looking elsewhere other than this area. Dont know if that makes any sense but if i have been abused by mother and find myself arguing back and saying things i shouldnt then reminding myself about the rights of parents might not be helpful when teying to stop his bad habit since i will be thinking “well, what about me and what she did to me, she is the reason why i am behaving this way in the first place”. So looking in to some area that is relevant but without causing these feelings will get a much better result in sha Allah.

      May Allah make it easy for you. Just hang in there, don’t give up. Allah made it clear in the Quran that after hardship comes ease. Even the prophets had to endure longlasting hardship while evil enemies of Allah get ease, wealth and whatever this dunya has to offer until suddenly Allah turns their joy into an unimaginable pain and sorrow not only in akhirah but in this life too, while the righteous have ease and joy coming their way.

      Last but not least, there is a Muslim psychologist called Yasmin Mogahed, her lectures/talks could really benefit you. She has some really good ones and they are on youtube.

      This is your opportunity to improve yourself and if you cant imagine having a better future that will please you then know that such thoughts are coming from shaytaan to keep you down and to stand in the way between you and Allah and so that you lose hope and start questioning Allah. Trust me on this. Once Allah opens the door, it wont matter if your are 90 years old even, you would still feel like the luckiest most blessed person on earth!

      Start right now, download the book and make a schedule where you write in dhikr time, extra salah time, reading Quran time, listening to Quran time (listen to al-baqara daily if you can), Ruqya time, dua time, watching a uplifting speach time, and reading the book i mentioned earlier time. This schedule will help you both in dunya and akhirah in sha Allah.

  37. Rownaque says:

    Amazing words. Thanks

  38. muslim girl says:

    Salam to all my lovely muslim brothers and sisters,

    Dear All. this blog is so well written and even the replies from Friend and Sana jee are so good enough for anyone experiencing this situation.
    Moral of the story is Trust ALLAH and you will never be mis guided by satan . the thing is every human being has to suffer , has to face few difficulties in life, as these hardship help to bring out the best out of you. If you proceed towards ALLAH, worldly n hereafter success is for you. I know dealing such parents is very difficult. At times you might feel jealous of your friends who have normal supportive parents, who dont have any such difficulties in life as you have. But try to look at this from a different angle that you are chosen by ALLAH for this trial alone because HE might think you are the best of his servants to cope up with such difficult situation. Try to consider this hardship as a blessing. If these abusive parents have become a source for you to believeand ask from Alllah , my dear you are the one blessed and chosen for rewards in bhereafter that no eye no brain can imagine. your patience will be rewarded in the life that is going to be forever. JAZAK ALLAH

  39. Lelia Ke says:

    So, it’s okay if I leave my dad, who abuses me. I’m 18 and have been getting verbally, emotionally, and physically abused. I wanna declare finical independence. I started my first semester in college and live at a university and this is the longest since I’ve been hit. However, the verbal abuse still occurs over the phone. It tears me down mentally and emotionally. I’m drawing the line, because he stated that I can’t continue college even though I live in the land of the free and it’s my right to be educated. He states if I come back home I won’t be able to come back to my university to pursue my career. Even if he changes his mind about me going to school I will have to get down on my knees to beg to be educated and I’ve done it before in high school. He may also hit me again and this next thanksgiving break will be stressful, instead of relaxing. I won’t be able to study for my finials or catch up on my studies at all.

    He has threaten to shoot me and has pointed a gun at me multiple times. What I want to know is …it’s okay to leave him, right? It breaks my heart, because a good muslim girl doesn’t do that, as he stated, but I don’t need more negativity in my life. It’s become harder for me to love my religion. He has put my mom and me in isolation. We didn’t get to visit family and soon we couldn’t go to the mosque. I don’t wanna hate my religion. I love him, but it’s too much.

    • Wael says:

      Not only is it okay to leave, you absolutely must, for your own safety. There is no requirement in Islam to stay with someone who endangers you or threatens you, even your own parent.

      • Lelia Ke says:

        Thank you. That’s all I needed to know. I’m gonna miss my mom so much and this whole procedure is one big step. It scares me to do it, but I have to do it. I just have to be stronger and have faith in Allah.

        • Hussein says:

          Well done Leila you are doing the right thing. Try to understand who taught Islam to your parents. It most probably was a person or a group of people who never ever had interaction with the greater world. However, these are the people who indirectly via your parents are telling you what is good and what is bad. Do not ever follow that rhetoric. It’s degrading and false. Any parent who lays a hand on children or verbally abuses them will suffer great consequences. Wael won’t tell you this as he has no balls………….. He most probably was taught by those kind of peasants hence his dilemma. Leave now and may god be with you. H

  40. Wafiyyah says:

    asalamu’Alaykom brothers and sisters…first of all,i want to thank brother Wael for this post.By Allah, no combination of letters can express how much this touched me(including the comments). I never thought there were people out there who were going through the same test as me. I always thought this was an uncommon case, but tonight i have been proven wrong.I i think Allah guided me to this post tonight for a reason;Alhamdulilah….I just want to say that even though abuse from your own parents can be the single most painful thing on earth,there is still a very good reason Allah chose this test for us…I know that life was never meant to be a joyful ride,and that each one of us is tested in their own different way. Allah gave us this not because He is being unfair or hates us,but because he wants us to use this as means of drawing near to Him…I know it is hard swallowing it all,it kills you to hear all those hurtful words and the harsh and unfair words will pierce you heart,but guess what? with patience and endurance comes the greater reward.One day Allah will show you the fruits of your patience and you will be thankful for each trial He put you through….My mother has caused me a great deal of grief and made me doubt myself all my life. she called me all hurtful names under the sun and never failed to remind me that im not worth her affection and will never amount to anything,but hey,i’ll never get a replacement, Allah made me her daughter for a reason. …….Even though im crying as i write this,even though my heart is heavy with suppressed pain and my mind is clouded with confusion and self-doubt,i’ll never hate her or curse her for what she continues to do,because i know Allah will never want me to do that and He is all that matters at the end of the day…alhamdulilah for every trial that brings me closer to him.I pray that each one of us here and those who are going through the same thing find peace,love,contentment and self-worth…May Allah guide our parents and forgive them for their sins,May he fill their hearts with love and Rahma instead of the hatred and vial ….shout out to all of u out there who are struggling daily but still find away out…hang in there brothers and sisters for verily Allah Allah will never forsake the good doers #salaam

  41. ayush says:

    SERIOUSLY, this is the only and only material i have found on the internet which at the least deals with the bad parent problem in islamic way. I have searched videos on you tube of many popular scholars but i found none speaking on this topic, that my be because all those scholars had really lovely parents and may be that is one reason they are popular scholars.

    BAd parents are a greater evil than dajjal – e – akbar himself. I can see so many people above, so good and innocent hearts and souls troubled by their very own parents in their very own home. I think this is high time when islamic scholars should start addressing this point. I am a born hindu but i learnt islam on my own and found that islam is a wonderful philosophy which is most precise, specific and true. But the irony is that bad parenting is the only and only one thing which Islam has missed and that has created a big void. Alhamdulillah that islam has enough strength to still hold its believers who go through this great suffering.

    BAd parents doesnt cause a whirl in your lives they destroy lives in its entirety. I am a 28 years old guy still struggling to make a decent career despite the fact that i have a high IQ and all other virtues needed for success. Every individual who ever come in touch with me assumes at first that i am a very successful person and cant believe my pathetic condition. I have serious problems with self-esteem, self-confidence, self-reliance, and i am diagnosed with depression and attention deficit. Anyways, i dont want to cry here about my wretched life and all but i dont know what to do about it. The thing about such parents are that they appear so caring and thoughtful to other people because of their deceitful appearance they wear outside. Their condition is pathological, they are professional victim players and pathological psychopaths.

    Is it possible that bad parents are dajjal ?

  42. sara says:

    no parent has the right to condemn, abuse his/her child. our holy prophet (peace be upon him) used to love and respect his daughters so much, we are followers of islam and still abusing our daughters especially. i know a man who appears to be very religious but scold, misbehave, torture her daughter every time. how could his daughter respect her ever.he used to verbally, emotionally and physically abuse her since years. isnt their any law about it. who give him the right to do so…. no one can stop him why????how can i help the poor girl

  43. lily says:

    Absolutely agree. Its funny how nobody every gives this topic any importance. We always watch islamic lectures and read articles on many aspects of life but never can we find one about domestic abuse, bullying and verbal abuse by parents, even when you reach adulthood. Negative comments that destroy your self esteem and the little hope you have in this world. Blackmailing and abuse for marriage proposals. Its about time someone stands up for themselves and against the opression in their own home.

  44. AR says:

    My father has always been very harsh. But as a father he has been amazing in fulfilling his duties towards us. But he is not a good husband at all. He screams, yells says bad things to my mom and I have seen this since childhood. He always threatens her with divorce. He is very harsh and rude with us too. I have always felt that he never scolded me like fathers usually do, his scolding always felt more like an insult. And with age it has worsened. Now, two days back, while scolding us he started saying harsh with my mom. And I snapped. I don’t know what happened I just had a nervous breakdown where I broke a mug with full force and fell to the ground and started screaming. My mom and sister comeoketely freaked out. Because it was clear that my brain had given up. I am, also, coping up with the death of my best friend two months back.
    I am still numb with the effects of the breakdown and bedridden. But my dad told mom that he would not talk to us. I told mom to keep dad away from my presence. Is it okay? My mom kept telling me he is my father and he has done a lot and that I should respect. He has done a lot to fulfill our wishes and fought really hard to educate us in the best ways. I am a chartered accountant. But I fear my mental health. What if he makes me into a mental patient who goes around making other peoples lives hell in return? Can you advice me what to do in such a situation? We have sat him down and explained him a lot of times but he always blames us for everything and takes it straight to his ego. Is it okay for parents to mentally torture their kids and then expect respect in return? Isn’t it abuse?!

    • Wael says:

      No, it’s not okay for parents to mentally torture their kids. Emotional abuse can be worse than physical abuse, and leave longer-lasting scars.

      I suggest you move out of the house if you have the ability to do so. You need to create some distance between you and your father. If you can’t do that, then spend as little time around him as possible. You might also consider seeing a therapist or counselor to help you deal with your feelings of grief and sadness.

  45. J Ahmed says:

    Assalamoalekom,

    I don’t believe a true Muslim can behave that harsh that it cause his/her own child. That is why when you let your child marry someone, always see if the person is good mannered and from a good culture. Always check for his/her kind and soft character as a human because only a good person can be a good father/mother. A person who never can harm others whatever the scenario is as he/she fear Allah then how would he/she harm his/her own child.

    I very much can relate my story with the article. Maybe much more I had to go through that I even can’t express by words. Just one example from many untold experience from my childhood I can give you all. I was married to a greedy man whom my father chose for me when I was only 20. I wanted to study but my father wanted to get rid of me although he didn’t have any money problem. It’s just his brutality and carelessness towards me. Just after 2 months of my marriage I got divorce from that greedy man who demanded some portion of my father’s property and my father had no interest to give him anything. It had to end anyway. After that I had to suffer all these years at my parents house sometimes physically and most of the time mentally. I am a 33 years old lady now. I have got married recently to a man whom I have chosen for me and looking for a relief and a life somehow Allah will. Sometimes Allah test you at your own home. May Allah give my parents right sense at least before their death.

    My advice to all, “life is beautiful and it’s the greatest gift from Allah to Us.” So live it the way you wish to. Your every moment is valuable for you so learn to cherish it to the fullest cause everyone has right to live a healthy and happy life. May Allah save all the innocent hearts from such evil attacks and activities. May Allah show you the right path asap to live a peaceful life.

    At the end, May Allah give all parents good sense to do good to their own children. Amen

  46. Captain says:

    My mother has been verbally abusive to me my whole life. It has caused me so much pain, anger, hatred in my life. She shattered my self esteem, confidence in myself. You start to believe her after being constantly reminded everyday. I’m a shy and quiet person in my family and i guess i’m an easy target. She gets on everyone nerves but i’m targeted the most. When she verbally abuses me, i try to ignore her, until i can no longer take it anymore and i swear back at her. She would go on for hours and their is so much i can take before i explode. I know i will be judged for yelling back at her in Judgement day but it is her actions that made me react this way. You can’t expect to bully someone constantly and not expect a response especially when she lives with you. She will also be held accountable for her treatment towards me and that gives me solace to know that. Even though she’s my mother, so is abusing her power over me. Recently she moved back to the middle east. She has been gone for 4 months now and it has been the best thing happen to me in a long time. I feel like a new person. I’m happier now, so much more productive. My confidence is returning and my self esteem as well. I started working out and i plan to go back to school very soon. She is coming back though in 1 month and i don’t want her back in my life. I know it’s harsh but she effects my life negatively. Without her, my life is so much better. If she brings me down again and i know she will, the only option for me is to move out. Even though she’s my mother, she is by far the biggest burden in my life. Everyone deserves to be respected, loved, and to be happy. You don’t need toxic people in your life, they will bring you down and you won’t reach your full potential with these people in your life.

  47. Gung ho says:

    Assalamualikum
    SubhanAllah, what a gift from Allah swt. I had literally just got off the phone with my Mum who took her usual stance of blaming me for most things, and still with tears in my eyes I was researching some hadith for a talk I was preparing and randomly came across this article like a gift from Allah swt! It as if He swt was saying “I get it”.

    Allhamduliah I come from a relatively practising family and I am blessed to give Islamic reminders in local masajid that tend to be focused on self development and our relationship with Allah swt. I am not qualified I kind of just slipped into this (by the permission and blessing of Allah swt) as I gave a reminder and the sisters seemed affected by it and I was asked to attend different places by others therafter.

    I believe what comes from the heart goes to the heart and after several years of therapy/counselling and self developement I realised I wasnt this emotional, over sensitive unreasonable human being, I was a blessed slave of Allah swt striving to do the best I can with who I was which was imperfect BUT still striving to be better, and i believe I relay this and sisters “get it”

    The thing is my mother is a regarded as quite religious and humble, which I believe she is, but she has a tendency to only see the bad in me. Allhamduliah people in our communtiy acknowlege her and praise her because of the work that I do and she comes across as very proud but has NEVER said anything. She sometimes even attends my class and takes notes, but, NEVER says anything. I am blessed to be the more practising one out of my other 4 siblings but she never encourages me or says anything. If anything she defends their actions and protects them when I try to advise her to speak to them to encourage them to pray/cover etc. However if ever she is is stuck or doesn’t know what to do, she will call me, and I will always help with whatever I can.

    I suppose my question is, is that if I find her comments harsh, unfair and always attacking me should I always turn the other cheek for the sake of Allah swt can I take a break (not call, go around) until I feel a bit stronger to cope with the negativity that risks me feeling rubbish and affecting those who actually benefit, i.e my husband, kids, community?

    • TrueTraveller says:

      NO DOUBT, keep being kind. At these PAINFUL times VERY important to remember Allah is watching you. BE WISE, and GET YOUR SIBLINGS to vouch for you in front of your mom. BE WISE, and REQUEST other elders Muslim sisters to TELL YOUR MOM how fortunate she is to have a GOOD MUSLIM GIRL.

      Now, here TWO HADEETH GEMS. I think Br. Wael should put this up in the post:

      1) It was narrated from Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) that a man said: O Messenger of Allaah, I have relatives with whom I try to keep in touch, but they cut me off. I treat them well, but they abuse me. I am patient and kind towards them, but they insult me. He said: “If you are as you say, then it is as if you are putting hot ashes in their mouths. Allaah will continue to support you as long as you continue to do that.”

      Narrated by Muslim (2558).

      Al-Nawawi (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: “Abuse me” (lit. behave in an ignorant manner towards me) means they mistreat me. Ignorance here refers to bad speech. What this hadeeth means is that it will be like feeding them hot ashes. This is a metaphor for the pain they will feel, like the pain of one who eats hot ashes. There will be no sin on this doer of good, rather they will be sinning greatly for cutting him off and causing him harm.

      2)The Prophet(s) said:
      “The one who maintains a relationship with his relatives only because they maintain a relationship with him is not truly upholding the ties of kinship. The one who truly upholds those ties is the one who does so even if they break off the relationship.” (Reported by al-Bukhaari, 5645).

  48. Lahraeb says:

    Would it be haram trying to escape or leave such a situation? I don`t mean immediately, after I have some sort of plan in place, because it`s getting to the point where it is slowly ruining my relationship with Allah and I have attempted suicide a few times. Will Allah forgive me if I leave? Surely He knows my Heart?

    • Wael says:

      Lahreeb, As-salamu alaykum. There is absolutely nothing wrong with escaping an abusive situation. A family is supposed to be a mutually supportive and loving unit. When it ceases to be so, and becomes destructive and abusive, it is your right to remove yourself from that environment. And yes, Allah knows your heart, and will not blame you for protecting yourself.

      • Lahraeb says:

        Wa-alaikim Asalaam. Thank you for your prompt reply. It has somewhat lifted a weight of my shoulders, however I still have a few concerns. There are many examples in the Qur`aan and hadith of the way you should honour and respect your parents, no matter how bad they get. Surely, I will be going against Allah`s wishes if I was to cut off contact with them? Furthermore, I believe they feel they are doing nothing wrong, just trying to bring me up in a “proper way” – they think I crave a “kafir lifestyle” and just want to chase worldly affairs, so if I leave, won`t I just be confirming that and so, lowering myself in their gazes further? That couldn`t be further from the truth, I just want to gain some peace and find a way in life that means I can erevive my relationship with my Lord without all this negativity crashing me down, but I doubt they would believe me. I am led to beleieve that leaving could cause them grief and upset as well as damaging the “family honour” and all that, so surely that make me worse than them, if I was to make them feel bad? I don`t know, this is all very confusing for me. I understand that these questions are difficult, and I appreciate your help. Jazakallah.

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